whatisright | IC Inbox (Drift Fleet)

[Anders waits. And waits. And gives a long, defeated sigh to himself when a solid minute passes and there's no response. It's possible Justice simply hadn't seen them, might even be doing something else, but that logical thought process can't hold it's weight to the more instinctive worst-case Anders' mind provides. Justice clearly doesn't want to talk to him at all, even though text.

The healer stays by the Andrastian arrangement all the same, more for himself than any expectation that Justice was on his way. He's kneeling in prayer when the snow leopard comes into the room and bounds across it to him. He's clearly tired, the circles under his eyes practically black in bruises and it's fairly obvious only the minimum effort has been put into his own self-care (and likely more to do with Wolfe than any desire on his own behalf.) But he seems more resigned than broken and that was an improvement over what he'd felt like that whole first month.

He offers the kitten a small smile, a strained thing that tugs at his mouth but still isn't forced. Either she'd escaped her master or he'd been wrong to jump to conclusions, but seeing her still brought a warmth to his chest all felines caused. He picked her up to hold to his chest and scratched behind her ears.]

Hello, princess. It's been a while; you look much better than before. Maybe someone's finally been giving you the kind of food you should be having.

[Loyalty, for her part, is happy to throw her head back to give Anders plenty of scratching room and to purr loudly. Justice, still unseen, kneels beside Anders, taking the moment to just take him in. In retrospect, it's a wonder that he hadn't figured it out before. He can feel the way Anders' presence has changed, like something made a place there and now it's gone.

He had felt it before, he knows. When he'd shared Anders' power, it had felt like there was a home for him there, like there was a place meant for him to stay if he wished. At the time, he had just thought it was because they were friends, and Anders was welcoming him more than other mages would.

Anders doesn't look good. Even Justice can tell. A pang of guilt twists in his stomach for doing this to Anders--but it's hardly the worst thing he's done to him.

Justice doesn't know how to begin, so he just responds.] Wolfe gave me a book about cats. I did not realize they had different dietary needs than humans.

[As he speaks, he becomes visible, still kneeling by Anders. He doesn't have the right to hide from him as he's hidden from others. Anders deserves to be looked in the eye.]

[He'd suspected Justice was near, probably invisible, but around somewhere, if his cat was here too. Justice actually appearing confirms it, but doesn't stop the slight jolt of surprise in Anders. But along with surprise was a rush of relief; if the spirit had come, that meant there was still a possibility that he didn't completely hate the mage for some reason.]

They're a different creature, their insides work differently. I'm glad he was able to find something to help.

['He said you didn't look good. Riona said you were still thinking about suicide. It seems like you've let everyone see you but me-']

How're you doing?

[Justice still doesn't look good, but he's determined to drag himself out of the hole that he's sunk into. He doesn't like feeling helpless as he has. He has to find ways to take control of his life again.]

Not well, but better than before, I think.

[He's not sleeping as much anymore. The idea of talking to someone else isn't viscerally frightening. He's been able to think about things other than whether he should kill himself or not.]

What about you?

[Justice cares more about Anders than he cares about himself, especially now.]

[He nods. Really, that's all anyone can hope for after emotional devastation.]

Better than before. [Before it was all working until exhaustion, sleeping until his racing mind pushed him back to working and all the while drinking in between. It was nowhere near healthy and Wolfe had done what he could to balance, making sure Anders ate and slept and didn't break himself, but he knew it had taken a toll on Hawke.

He gestures to the Andrastian alter.]

This helps. At least, a little.

[A pause.]

One of Riona's old traveling friends was here before, you might remember her name from the commander's stories: Leliana? She helped after...after everything became a mess in Thedas due to the Mage-Templar war. She helped Inquisitor Lavellan put things back together.

[A soft smile comes onto his face, something just ghosting past reverence.]

And then she became Divine and gave the mages their freedom, sanctioned by the Chantry. She did everything I had only chalked up to dreams. She made me feel like my faith wasn't a hopeless thing to cling to.

[Granted, this was what happened for Leliana, whether it would actually happen in their timeline was another thing...but the thought gave him so much hope and joy and breath-taking relief that he couldn't help but cling to it just as hard.]

Leliana. [Justice says the name slowly, like he's tasting it, before nodding. He listens intently to what Anders says, clasping his hands in front of him, almost as though he's praying himself. He remembers Kristoff's faith, how it lit the darkest times for him. Faith is different for spirits, since some of them are too simple to even question where everything might have began, but those that can question... He wonders if there is a Maker or Creators out there, untouchable from the mortal world and the Fade.]

I am happy to hear that. I know what it means.

[He is entirely sincere when he says that. He is genuinely happy to hear that the Chantry officially released the mages. Justice knows that the main impetus to harm mages comes from the Chantry. Without them to advocate the Circles...] Wolfe said that he believes that the mages are better off for what happened with us.

[Justice stares at his hands. Loyalty rubs against both Anders and Justice, seemingly oblivious to the tension in the air.

Justice takes a deep breath, a gesture that is entirely unnecessary for him but is steadying anyway, and he looks towards Anders.] Do you think it was worth it, Anders? Everything that happened? Everything that was suffered?

[Would he do it all over again, if he could? The possession, the destruction, everything?]

[And there it was: the real question at the end of the day. He'd head all sorts from" How could you?" to "what were you thinking?" and "what kind of Monster would do something like that?" but the only one that seemed to hold any weight, in the end, was "would you do it again?"

He sighed, his hands continuing to busy themselves with Loyalty.]

I've had three years to ask and be asked that question.
I might have finally found an answer, but it doesn't make it any easier to respond to.

[He focused on petting Loyalty, letting it be the distraction he needed to pull his words together. It had been hard to answer before, but easier then than now with Justice standing in front of him, uncorrupted and whole.]

Yes.

It's a quiet thing, but not wavering, not unsure, firm and solid in his conviction. Everything....so much blood and suffering and upset and every mage reunited with their lover and loved ones was all it took for him to know.]

I wish it hadn't taken your pain. I wish I'd been strong enough on my own to defend myself, to do something about all the anger I felt. If there was a way to change that one factor, I would. My life doesn't matter, but you didn't deserve to be caught in my fight and suffer as you did.

But the lives lost, Kirkwall burning, my friends turning on or away from me, even nearly losing Hawke...if one child can stay with his mother or not have to spend his growing years on the run, fearful of every clank of metal, all because I blew up a building with a handful of innocents in it and refused to stay quiet, then it was worth it.

[He had the decency to look at Justice as he spoke. If he was going to say it was worth both of them being destroyed in the end, whether he wished it could be different or not, he might as well say it to his friend's face.]

There are other versions of Thedas in which Hawke kills me-us as I asked. We aren't given a chance to atone, but it's still done in the end. If so many different versions of Thedas have it that Kirkwall still burned no matter the Hawke or the Warden-Commander, then I have to believe we were right about something.

[At the 'yes', Justice closes his eyes. He listens, and he nods. He doesn't know how he feels, knowing that Anders thinks that it was worth it. Anders would do it all over again, knowing what pain he goes through, knowing the pain that Justice goes through, knowing everything they caused together. Is that Justice's effect on him, lasting still after he's gone? Is it that the most just outcome isn't necessarily just, and Anders has accepted that when Justice can't? Or is it that the corruption has permanently disrupted Anders' moral compass as well?

It will take thinking. A lot of thinking. Justice isn't certain he will ever make peace with it.

He reaches out and dares to take one of Anders' hands in his own. Maybe it is strange, how his self-inflicted isolation has made him crave physical contact so much more than he once did, but he wants to touch Anders and he wants the grounding of contact. Loyalty turns to object to the loss of one hand, but then the other hand gets her in just the right spot and she's distracted by purring again.]

Anders, my purpose is to do justice, and mages suffered wrongly. It rang through the Fade, and many spirits of justice were long frustrated by their inability to help. I was going to be caught in your fight whether or not you were by my side. I have lived a long time--you deserved the chance to live longer more than I do.

Do not grieve my suffering more than you grieve your own. I should have known better than to do what I did to you.

[Justice was trying to save his life, and maybe he couldn't think straight, but he still should have known better than to possess a living host, even a willing one.

He stares down at their hands, so many questions weighing on his mind. Questions that are hard to ask, but must be.]

Am I dead, Anders?

[He knows he's not in Anders' body anymore. He wonders if they killed him. A part of him hopes that they did.]

[What can he say to that when part of him understands and can even agree to a point, but another simply rips at it, saying over and over again that it was completely his fault. Which of them made it out the other side of it still partially intact?

Was it really either of them?]

I was the one who had to say yes.

[Justice might have been the one to offer, but Anders and all his cowardice and fear of dying was the one who'd had to accept. He was still the more culpable in his mind.

But he can't step any further down that path because a surge of old fear and hysteria swirl up and seize his throat. His hand squeezes Justice's in response.]

No! No, you're not. We're too closely tied, there was no way we could be separated without my dying in the process. That was part of why I asked Hawke to kill me, not just for the victims in the church, but for my first victim: you. If I was dead, you'd have the chance to leave me and go back to the fade.

As far as I know it, when I go back to Thedas, it will be to return to how things were: when I arrived here: with the two of us joined.

[Justice doesn't mean to upset Anders, but clearly the suggestion that he might be dead sets him off. He looks back at the things he's done to soothe others when they are upset, and while squeezing Anders' hand back, he runs his thumb over Anders' knuckles. The slow, repetitive motion seems to be something mortals find comforting.]

If my freedom would cost your life, I do not wish it.

[Even if there is a chance of him purifying himself and surviving as something resembling justice outside of Anders' body, Justice cannot abide the thought of Anders sacrificing his life after giving Justice so much.]

I have taken much from you. You have the right to live your life as any mortal does. If that means I am parted from the Fade for decades hence, so be it.

[Even if it means that Justice is corrupted to the point of death. Even if it means that Justice can never go back home. He doesn't want Anders' life cut short for him.

But that still leaves Justice's fundamental question unanswered.] If we are still together in Thedas, then where am I? You are alone in your body.

[He doesn't even know where to begin with any of that. He didn't agree, his life barely seemed to matter in comparison to Justice's. Justice was older, wiser (in most cases), brave and able to hold to his beliefs. Anders' life was barely a blink in comparison and he'd already accomplished more than he could have ever done alone and loved a man so wonderful and amazing that Anders was blessed to have lived to have met him at all. None of it would have been possible without Justice and it wasn't right he suffered for Anders' benefit.

He remembered the feeling of dreaming, trapped in his own body as Justice wondered the Fade and knew it was how Justice felt when Anders woke. Maker, he'd trapped Justice for nearly our years by not allowing himself to dream, all to avoid feeling that himself. He may have changed in some regard, but he was still a selfish coward.

At least he'd allowed the dreams to return after Kirkwall. Perhaps that was part of what had calmed Vengeance. That and their goal being achieved. He'd shoved through on a few, nameable, occasions, but they'd lived in more peace in the last three years of Anders' memory than they had in the seven before that.

But if there'd been a way to separate them safely, he knew they would take it.]

There was a man here named Allen Walker. He was an exorcist whose whole lot was to separate spirits possessing willing hosts or demons possessing the not-so willing. Riona introduced me to him and I asked for his help, on the promise that you wouldn't be hurt.

[A small smile stretched his lips.] He not only separated us, but he purified you as well. For a brief moment, I saw you, spoke with you, and you weren't the ragged, sharp manifestation of Vengeance, but you. The way I'd seen you in the Fade when we met.

Allen's power was meant to send you home, back to the Fade, but I can't help wondering now if Atroma stopped that somehow and took you instead. We don't know what all they can do; they may have let that version of you go and brought you in from the point you remember, or they might have taken you from here in the fleet and simply altered your memories. that we know they can do.

[Frankly, it's a much nicer story than Justice was expecting. He was expecting violence, tragedy, pain, and all those other things that seem to characterize mortal lives. Justice keeps a tight grip on Anders' hand, just as much to comfort himself as to comfort Anders, as he thinks. Is it possible that he's Anders' Justice? That he has already gone through this, and he's forgotten?

It's more than possible. Even if Atroma didn't tamper with his memory, Justice could absolutely see himself wiping his own memory of this. He loves Anders, and that hasn't changed, but knowing that this happened is hard enough to deal with. It's possible he would have purged his memory in an attempt to purify himself, lest the guilt and corruption make him a demon.

Or maybe he is from the time he remembers. He can't be sure.]

I felt it when we shared power. [Back with the refugees. It feels forever ago.] There's a chill in your presence, like something is missing. But when we connected... it was as though there was a place where I belonged. It felt like home.

[In retrospect, maybe it should have struck him as strange, that there would be a place in any mage where it felt so comfortable to settle, like he was just a natural part of them. But it was comforting, and Justice had other concerns, so he didn't question it.]

I thought that we must have connected often over the years, and that feeling was simply a sign of our friendship. [Or maybe it's a sign that Justice has spent the last decade in Anders' body, and a part of him still remembers even if his mind doesn't.]

In a way, I suppose it is. Our friendship was always strong, you cared for me and I cared for you. As much as I could tell, that is. It often felt as though we were simply one consciousness, but there were signs and tells when what I was feeling or thinking wasn't truly me. Most of the time, we were harmonious enough it didn't matter whose thought it was, the other agreed anyway.

[He smiled gently at the memory.]

I believe Hawke helped. If it hadn't been for his support of us both, I don't think we would have made it through everything as...intact as we did. When things seemed their worst and the injustices were so many and so overwhelming, he brought a certain peace to the mind that made it bearable for a time.

[His smile grew a touch.]

You didn't like him at first. Hawke. You thought he'd be a distraction because you could tell I had feelings for him. But he proved to be a support and aided us in some of things we did to try and right Kirkwall's wrongs.

[He'd been a light in the darkness and that light had been soft and gentle and Anders knew it must have charmed Justice too. Hawke was the only one Justice listened to when they were caught in a rage. But that seemed...he couldn't share that, anything about how deeply he'd felt himself held together by Hawke's presence. It was something between him and the Justice who knew what Anders was saying as his own memory, not a new fact. It somehow felt too personal to share otherwise. Too personal and probably too frightening for the spirit, to know how little control they sometimes had.]

I knew that hole was in me, I've felt it since you were freed from me. I doubt it will ever heal. What we did was impossible. Horrible, but wonderful. Together, we could accomplish anything, that's how it felt. I don't want to forget how any of it felt, even if there's an emptiness now.

[He pulled away to put up the altar.]

But never doubt that this, the way things are right this moment, is how I would prefer them. You're my best friend, someone so incredibly important to me I don't think I could explain it. There were times I felt as though you were right there with me, every step, holding me up. But...there were times I knew you were with me and yet I felt more lonely than ever. More than anything, all I wanted was to be able to talk with you again.

[He sighed.] That's why I couldn't tell you at first. I feared, once I told you what had happened, you wouldn't talk to me anymore and I'd lose you again, though I don't think I knew that was why until after I'd already told you. I hope you can forgive my selfishness, in time.

I am certain he was a distraction, but a necessary one. It is no sacrifice for me to focus all my energy on one goal, but mortals are meant to live their lives for more than just a single virtue. I had no right to take that from you.

[He likes seeing mortals striving to be virtuous, but none of them should be as fixated on justice as he is. He understands now that there is more to waking life than obsessing over a single virtue, and demanding that a mortal behave like a spirit is cruel. He's glad that Wolfe was there to provide the support and love that Anders needed, and that Justice couldn't give. (And perhaps Justice needed it too, but he can't know how much.)

He doesn't know if Wolfe would have been helpful for Justice or not. Wolfe had described him as a parasite, after all. While Justice doesn't blame him at all for his characterization, he still doesn't know what that attitude would have done to him, trapped and voiceless in Anders as he was. But that doesn't matter to him, as long as Wolfe helped Anders.

Justice listens to Anders, allowing him to pull away to work on the altar, and he gradually softens. A part of him wishes he knew what it was like, that he remembered, but he knows that the memories likely would change him beyond recognition.]

I was angry that you and Riona hid this from me. I was angry that you lied about something so important and took the decision of what to do about it away from me for so long. Never do that again.

[He sighs. Even though he doesn't need the air, he finds the gesture to be steadying.]

But I forgive you. I have done much to hurt you and yet you remain at my side. It would not be right for me to hold this against you after all that you have forgiven me of.

[Justice clasps his hands in his lap, staring down at them.] You are my friend, and I love you. I wish to lose you no more than you wish to lose me.

[He almost laughs, he's so incredulous of what he's hearing.]

I won't, I promise. I don't have anything else like that to tell you.

[He felt strung out, exposed, he'd told the biggest secret he'd been keeping from Justice, the rest the spirit had already been able to feel out from him or would come in time and weren't near the level this one was. But now everything was on the table, every thought and emotion and regret and it was both freeing and horrible.

And then Justice says he loves him and he swears he's never been so tempted to cry twice in one calendar year before. Instead, he turns to Justice and immediately closes the distance between them to pull his friend into as tight a hug as he can manage around the cat.]

I love you too. Thank you...thank you for giving me a second chance, Maker knows I don't deserve as many as I've received in my life.

[The hug is sudden, but Justice has never welcomed physical contact more. He wraps his arms around Anders, holding as tightly as he can. Loyalty, squished, pulls herself out from between them with an aggravated meow, but then she's almost immediately back to rubbing up against their legs. It seems that she's just happy that her person and his person are back to being friends again.

Justice, on instinct, gently pets Anders' hair as he buries his head in Anders' shoulder. His long period of isolation and his relationship with Leilani has taught him how much he likes affection.]

I promised you an answer that I do not have. I am sorry. [He murmurs it into Anders' shoulder. He doesn't want to let go again so quickly, especially when he talks about this.] But death is not something I can undo. For as long as I am uncertain it is the right thing to do, I shall not kill myself.

[It's not a promise to live, nor even an affirmation that he thinks he should live. But it's an assurance that, for now, he has decided to live.]

[Anders was reticent to let go so soon, so Justice continuing to hold on just as tightly is a welcome surprise. As is the hand in his hair which he can't help leaning into a little. But he's quiet as he listens to Justice and, when he finally responds, his voice is heavy with emotion.]

I'm very proud of you. To know you. To have you at my side. You're a braver and better person than I and I couldn't have asked for a better answer.

[Did part of him want to hear that Justice would happily go and live his life as normal? Definitely. He wasn't so deluded as to actually have been expecting that response. But Justice had done on his own what Anders had been too cowardly to decide for himself. Instead, he'd foisted the decision of his fate on Hawke and vowed to abide by whatever his love's choice would be.]

[Justice nods into Anders' shoulder, relieved beyond words that Anders can accept this answer. It's the best he can give right now, because he really doesn't know what is right. He just knows what can be done and undone, and he doesn't want to do something that he can't undo later if he's not certain it's right.

It's just... so, so good to be so close with Anders again. He can feel Anders' presence singing in his skin, humming with relief, and now that the absence there is explained it doesn't feel so frightening. It's just a place where Justice fits.

Justice keeps petting Anders' hair, keeps a tight grip, and his eyes sting as he murmurs,] I have missed you, my friend.

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